Screen time & battle for the formation of our children

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

Proverbs 4:23

Last summer my wife, Karla, and I had the privilege of traveling through Europe with her family. One afternoon we boarded a tour bus in Belgium for what would become an eight-hour ride through some of the most beautiful countryside I have ever seen. Rolling green hills, centuries-old villages, magnificent cathedrals, and reminders of World War II unfolded outside our window mile after mile. I found myself staring out the window, afraid I might miss something.

Across the aisle sat a young man, probably in his late twenties.  At first, I remember thinking what an incredible opportunity he had. Here he was, traveling halfway around the world and experiencing places many people only dream of visiting. Yet as the hours passed, something began to trouble me. While the scenery continually changed, his attention never seemed to. His eyes remained fixed on the phone in his hands as he scrolled through messages and social media, almost completely unaware of the beauty unfolding around him.

I couldn't stop thinking about him. Not because I thought he was doing something wrong, but because I couldn't help feeling that he was missing something wonderful. It struck me that we live in a world where it is now easier than ever to travel halfway around the world and still fail to experience what is right in front of you.

That moment stayed with me long after our vacation ended because I realized I wasn't really thinking about one young man on a bus. I was thinking about an entire generation.

Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt, drawing from the work of psychologist Sherry Turkle, describes our modern condition with a haunting phrase: Because of screens, "We are forever elsewhere.”[1] I don't know of a better description of what so many parents are witnessing today. Our children's bodies are present, but their minds often are not. They sit at the dinner table while their attention is somewhere else. They gather with friends while simultaneously living in another world. They can attend church, family vacations, and even quiet evenings at home, yet much of their attention remains captured by the digital world.

As parents, we naturally ask questions about screen time. How much is too much? When should my child have a phone? Should they be on social media? These are good and important questions, but I wonder if the better question is this:

Who is forming my child's heart?

I believe this reaches far beyond technology. In many ways, it reaches to the very heart of Christian parenting.

Children Are Always Being Formed

One of the greatest gifts Scripture gives us is its understanding of how people change. The Bible never presents human beings as people who simply accumulate information. Instead, it describes us as people who are continually being formed. Our habits shape us. Our loves direct us. The voices we trust, the stories we believe, and the practices we repeat slowly become the people we are.

That is why Christian parenting has never been merely about teaching children right from wrong. Parenting is participating with God in the formation of a human soul.

From the opening pages of Scripture, we find God shaping a people who reflect His character. The Garden of Eden was not merely a place to live; it was a place where humanity learned to walk with God. Israel was not simply given laws - they were being formed into a holy nation. Jesus did not merely gather students to transfer information. He called disciples to walk with and to follow Him so that, over time, they would become like Him.

This same vision lies behind Moses' words in Deuteronomy 6:

"These words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." (Deuteronomy 6:6–7)

Notice what Moses describes. He doesn't picture parents setting aside one hour each week for spiritual instruction. He envisions a home where conversations about God naturally flow throughout the ordinary rhythms of life—around the dinner table, while traveling, before bedtime, and as each new day begins. The home itself becomes God's primary classroom for discipleship.

That has never changed.

Long before there were church buildings, youth ministries, Christian schools, podcasts, or parenting conferences, God entrusted mothers and fathers with the extraordinary privilege of helping shape the hearts of their children. Today that calling has become even more significant because our children are surrounded by voices competing for their attention. Every day they are told what matters, what success looks like, what should make them happy, and even who they are.

The question is no longer whether our children are being discipled.  They are.  The question is whether they are primarily being formed by Christ or by the culture around them.

The Battle for Attention

Parents often think they are fighting for their children's time. In reality, they are fighting for something far more valuable: their attention. Being attentive means to be mindful, observant, present.  Attention is one of God's greatest gifts because it is how we notice beauty, listen to another person, meditate on Scripture, worship, pray, and ultimately learn to love. Wherever our attention goes, our hearts often follow.

This is why the Bible repeatedly calls God's people to practices that require sustained attention. The very first psalm paints a picture of the flourishing life, describing the person who delights in God's Word and "meditates on it day and night." (Psalm 1:2) David compares that person to a tree planted beside streams of water whose roots run so deeply that seasons of drought cannot destroy it. It is a beautiful picture of spiritual resilience.

Every Christian parent longs to see that kind of faith in their children. We want them to become young men and women whose lives are firmly rooted in Christ, who are not blown in every direction by the latest trend or cultural pressure. Yet roots are never formed overnight. They grow slowly, almost unnoticed. In much the same way, resilient faith develops through thousands of ordinary moments in which God's truth gradually sinks deeper into the heart.

That kind of formation requires something our culture increasingly steals from us: stillness.

Author Johann Hari observes that crucial deep thinking requires uninterrupted attention, something our kids are struggling to get.[2] When our minds are constantly interrupted, we gradually lose the ability to reflect, contemplate, and think deeply. We skim instead of meditate. We react instead of discern. We consume information without allowing wisdom to take root.

I happen to believe the number one consequence of unmonitored screen time is the slow erosion of critical thinking, and that will directly affect our children’s ability to process scripture, faith and the things of God.

Long before smartphones existed, Scripture recognized this reality. "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). Stillness has always been one of God's classrooms because it is often in the dull and still moments that the Holy Spirit reshapes our hearts. If every empty moment is immediately filled by another notification, another video, or another scroll, when will our children learn to hear the Jesus’ voice?

Jesus illustrated this beautifully in the home of Martha and Mary (Luke 10:38–42). Martha was distracted by many responsibilities while Mary simply sat at Jesus' feet and listened. It wasn't that Martha's work lacked value. Rather, Jesus reminded her that Mary had chosen "the better part." Before we can faithfully serve Christ, we must first learn to be with Him.

Perhaps that is one of the greatest invitations we can offer our children today. More than simply reducing their screen time, we can help them discover the joy of giving Christ their full attention. In a distracted world, that may be one of the greatest gifts a parent can cultivate.

The Battle for Identity

If attention shapes what our children think about, identity shapes how they understand themselves. Every child eventually asks the same question: Who am I? Some ask it after being excluded by friends, others after failing a test, striking out in a ballgame, or wondering why they don't seem to fit in. Still others wrestle with questions born from circumstances they never chose. However the question arises, every child longs to know where their value comes from and whether they truly matter. 

The tragedy of our cultural moment is not that our children are asking these questions. The tragedy is that they are asking them in a world filled with countless voices eager to answer them. Social media tells them their worth depends on attention. Advertising tells them it depends on possessions. Achievement tells them it depends on performance. Increasingly, our culture tells them that identity is something they must discover within themselves and then express to the world.

The gospel paints a radically different picture. Scripture teaches that our identity is not invented, earned, or negotiated. It is received from the God who created us, knows us, and loves us.

I remember sitting on the edge of my daughter's bed one evening when she was in middle school. Because we had adopted her from China at a young age, she had naturally begun wrestling with the difficult questions that many adopted children eventually ask. Why had she been abandoned? Was there something wrong with her? What did that say about her worth?  If God is good, why did he allow this to happen?

Those are questions no parent can fully answer, and offering a lofty theological response can only frustrate them more.  I could not explain the decisions another family had made, but I could tell her what God says about her. I reminded her that long before we ever knew she existed, God knew her completely. He had formed her with purpose, watched over her every step, and, in His providence, brought her into our family.  It wasn’t a perfect answer, but one that helps explain God’s narrative of deep love for her, no matter how the decisions of another fallen person have affected her.  As Paul told the Athenians, God determines the times and places in which we live so that we might seek Him (Acts 17:26–28). What looks random to us  never escapes His providential care.

More than anything else, I wanted my daughter to understand that her worth had never been determined by another person's decision, or culture. It had always been determined by her Creator.  That conversation reminded me of something every Christian parent must continually communicate. The loudest voice in our children's lives should never be social media, popular culture, or even their peers. It should be the voice of their heavenly Father.

Psalm 139 tells them they are fearfully and wonderfully made. Through Christ they are deeply loved (Romans 5:8), completely forgiven (Colossians 2:13–14), fully accepted (Ephesians 1:6), and made complete in Him (Colossians 2:10). These truths provide an anchor that no number of followers, likes, or achievements could ever offer.

Perhaps the clearest picture of this is found at the beginning of Jesus' public ministry. Before He performed a miracle, preached a sermon, or called His first disciples, the Father declared, "You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased" (Mark 1:11). The Father's approval came before the Son's performance.

Our children need to know the same truth. They do not have to spend their lives chasing approval because, in Christ, they can learn to live from God's love rather than for it.

Cultivating a Better Story

Reading an article like this can leave parents feeling discouraged. Perhaps you're thinking, I wish we had started sooner. If that's you, take heart. The gospel is just as much for parents as it is for children. God has never required perfect parents to raise faithful children. Throughout Scripture He delights in using ordinary mothers and fathers who consistently point their children toward Him.

It is never too late to begin cultivating a different kind of home.

The goal is not perfection but direction. Rather than asking only, "How do I limit technology?" perhaps we should begin asking, "What kind of family is God calling us to become?"

The following are some biblically resilient practices that will help you develop a meaningful plan for you and your family:

• Be intentional and have a plan!  We cannot afford to drift when it comes to our kids’ digital lives. Smartphones and social media aren’t neutral tools—they are shaping our children’s brains and values during the very years they are most impressionable.  When their experiences are rooted in real-world relationships, family routines, and healthy limits, kids grow strong and grounded. But when those same years are saturated with online stimulation and social comparison, their identity and emotional health begin to form around the wrong reference points.

• Personally model digital restraint.  Instead of teaching our kids in the way they should go, show them with your own life and example.  If you need help setting boundaries around technology, start there.  Don’t expect your children to do something you aren’t willing to do.

• Consult some experts about specifics.  When it comes to specific questions—like what age is best for a first phone, How much screen time is too much, or how to introduce technology wisely?—it’s helpful to consult trusted experts who study these issues in depth.  There are some really good resources available.  Jonathan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation offers data-driven insight into how smartphones affect mental health and social development. Melanie Hempe’s Kids’ Brains and Screens provides practical, parent-centered guidance on how to set healthy limits and replace screen habits with meaningful connection. And Johann Hari’s Stolen Focus explores how the digital world is fragmenting attention for both kids and adults—and how to reclaim it. Together, these voices can help parents make informed, age-appropriate decisions rather than reactive ones.  I would start today!  If you feel your kids are too old for you to address this topic, they’re not.  Read up, do the research, get good advice from spiritual people, and implement a plan. 

• No Computers, TV’s or Phones in their rooms.  It’s just not a good idea.  We did a very good job of this with our children, but as I’ve seen things get more intense over time, this is a rule I would implement for sure.  Keep digital devices in public and shared spaces.

• Encourage reading of books, discussion and contemplation.  As much as you can, read from real books, with real paper as a family.  Johann Hari says “Reading books trains us to read in a particular way — in a linear fashion, focused on one thing for a sustained period. Reading from screens, she has discovered, trains us to read in a different way — in a manic skip and jump from one thing to another.”[3]  Plan and prioritize regular times where the family sits together, reads, reflects and discusses scripture (Deut. 6:4-9).

• Make meals together a priority.  There really is no substitution for face to face meals, not meals all sitting around a TV, but times with discussion and interaction.  Read scripture, plan your weeks, talk about how life is going, tell jokes, all free from digital devices. 

• Think carefully about the kind of family you want to be.  This may sound obvious, but sadly it’s not.  As Christians, we do not have the luxury of letting things form us.  Set goals as a family, revisit them often, make changes and adjust.  Satan hates it when we’re intentional about these kinds of things, but as Hari remind us “Take care what technologies you use, because your consciousness will, over time, come to be shaped like those technologies.”^[4]

• Cultivate embodied community.  Prioritize church, youth group events, and intergenerational friendships.  Regularly have other people into your home and make a habit of regularly serving those in your neighborhood and community.

The goal isn’t perfection but direction: a family culture where technology serves your formation in Christ, not the other way around.

This article was adapted from chapter twelve of my book Biblically Resilient Parenting: Equipping Our Kids to Stand for God’s Truth.  You can order it HERE.

Daren Overstreet

Daren is a Senior Leader at Anchor Point Church in Tampa, Florida.  He has been in ministry for nearly 30 years, and holds a Master’s Degree in Missional Theology

You can contact him at

daren@anchorpointtampa.org 

[1] Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (New York: Penguin Press, 2024), Kindle, chapter 1.

[2] Johann Hari, Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention—and How to Think Deeply Again (New York: Crown, 2022), 95.

[3] Johann Hari, Stolen Focus, 84.

[4] Ibid., 98.